Thoughts

I realize I have not touched this blog since about a year ago, so I'll post now. I guess this is a more personal post, and nobody I know will probably read this besides those who are either very close to me or closely stalk my personal profile on facebook or something.

This is the first time in a long while I think I've gotten kinda depressed at the end of a day. Honestly, I do not see any logical reason for it. I've had a good day. I went surfing in the morning, and had a leadership meeting in the afternoon. The day before, I went to church, organized LADLE (soup kitchen ministry), and spent the rest of the day with a friend at his birthday party. It was a packed weekend. But, for some reason, I really feel depressed. It is completely illogical, and I think it just came from pondering what use I had, and how I really serve in God's Kingdom.

I mean, in the LORD's prayer, Jesus tells his apostles to pray "your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." I thought about this, and wondered how I am really serving His Kingdom at the moment. I really feel inadequate sometimes. I go to homeless ministry sometimes, I organize LADLE, I try my best to talk to those who usually are ignored by cliques and stuff, and I try not to exclude others out of things. However, I still struggle with so many sins, and they really weigh me down even though I know Jesus has already paid the price, and the victory should already be mine to grasp. Anyways, I am a really social guy, I enjoy laughing with others, and I like talking to others a whole lot. I've even been told its a skill being so sociable. But still, I'm always trying to meet new people, and I feel that I haven't really developed any strong friendships, or best friends or whatevers. I mean, people see me, and they see me as that guy who is always clowning around or bouncing off walls. Which, of course, I cannot really complain about it because that is what I am always doing. But my struggles, I feel like I need to share them with others, so I'm just gonna vent right now. The Church is described as a body, and each person is like a body part like an eye, leg, toe, nostril, ear...whatever. But what am I? I really feel like I'm just dead weight slowing the body down sometimes. I know I am supposed to look at the victory the cross provides over sin, but some things just keep coming back to haunt me. And I really hate hypocrisy. So in the end, I just happen to be some guy I just hate, and I feel like I am not doing anything correct. I can't impress my parents, make them proud of me because my grades aren't too hot. I don't think I've ever shown someone to Christ and been there to witness the fruits of my service. I have made people feel welcome, but not really shown Christ to them through such. Honestly, I feel my relationship with Christ just isn't there sometimes. Maybe its just me being cynical. Whatever. I always try to keep it real, but sometimes, Its just hard to with no really close friends. I find myself doing a lot of stuff alone now, away from the big table, the loud crowd, or the energetic group. I thought I was an electric social butterfly at one point, but maybe that was just me being shaped by my desire to make others feel welcome.

I feel that my hypocrisy knows no bounds. People telling me things like "You're really Christlike" or "You're a Godly guy" just kinda hits home, and makes me feel kinda guilty. Sometimes, I just feel if I share something close with someone else, I'll get preached at. The intention is perfectly fine, but I hear the same message, phrases, that Christian-ese language over and over, and it doesn't exactly impact me anymore, as if I have a hardened heart for it now. I sometimes wish I had some closer non-Christian friends now, who I could share stuff with. Gah. man, this ramble went on and will go on for longer than I wanted it to. I don't even know if any of this made any sense at all, or if anyone will ever read this.

Ok. I know I've covered a lot, and it is not in ANY sort of writing formula and can't really be simplified into a coherent outline. Sorry, I just really suck at writing. I feel that things I do just aren't important. I mean, I can be judged to be a "good person" but people don't really know me for who I am. I have not shared everything about me to others or major events that shaped my life to really anybody at church, and I feel really bad about it now. I guess that might be why I am just feeling kinda down right now.

Pretty much I'm just a little bit depressed. I wouldn't say I am suicidal or anything, or that I've lost sight of Christ's sacrifice for me, but I would like to say I want to see more room for human-ness in the church. That sounds very contradictory, I know. But I want a church where its okay to slip up once in a while, and you would fall back on grace of those surrounding you. Where someone could come, and it wouldn't matter how pretty or ugly the new guy is, and he (or she) would receive the same acceptance somebody who had been going to the church for a long time would. Where someone could share their sins and struggles, and would not be alienated. A haven for the sick and the lost to rest their heads, not a club for the healthy to exclude those looking for rest.

Well, life is what it is. I'll just end with something that got me by tonight. Just a reminder about how great God's love for me is, and it definitely beats my depression. In middle school, I was really a pretty big loser. I would get made fun of for things like my height and stuff, and was really loud, obnoxious, and prideful. I went to church, but put a mask on when I went, and people saw me as some really really holy guy. I really know now (more with my mind than my heart) that Jesus has a place for me in His Kingdom. A place for losers, and my prayer is that I can acknowledge that, and perhaps a secondary, more selfish request would be to find a friend I could be comfortable enough to share absolutely everything with. I really should not be complaining, and I do not expect to live a life without worries, but something like this should take a backseat to any other concerns.

"Jesus was the first world leader to inaugurate a kingdom with a heroic role for losers. He spoke to an audience raised on stories of wealthy patriarchs, strong kings, and victorious heroes. Much to their surprise, he honored instead people who have little value in the visible world: the poor and meek, the persecuted and those who mourn, social rejects, the hungry and thirsty. His stories consistently featured "the wrong people" as heroes: the prodigal, not the responsible son; the good Samaritan, not the good Jew; Lazarus, not the rich man; the tax collector, not the Pharisee."
~Philip Yancey